Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
