just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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