there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished�
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
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