imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
