she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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