I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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