I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
babies were throwing up all over the place
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
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