Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
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