i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I am available for nakedness
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Randomize
