I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
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