if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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