Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
