Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
