high people should be assigned attendants
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
