currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
