sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
You pole danced in your parka.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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