i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Randomize
