guys are not supposed to queef...right?
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
