i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
But I just had this pork p�t�. It was dick grabbing.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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