I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
