I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I lost the right to judge tonight
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
