A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Randomize
