the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
