Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
