i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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