This is not my ceiling
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
