And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
