Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
