I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Randomize
