i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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