when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I can text with my tongue
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Sext me about skeletons
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
