I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
