nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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