i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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