I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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