people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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