You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
