I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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