if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
