First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
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