You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
