I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
