your parents love me but you hate me
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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