I think I won the penis lottery.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
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