all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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