Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
