I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Randomize
