You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
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