When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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