And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
